


Eiffel’s Identity Issues (Sad Bitch Edition)

by n_v_c_r



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Eiffel? Identity issues? In my fan fiction?, Gen, eiffel kinnie rights, im blanking on tags sorry babes, mention of suicide, uhh tw for suicide mentions ig?, w359
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26285620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_v_c_r/pseuds/n_v_c_r
Summary: Eiffel shouldn’t be affected by something he couldn’t remember. He knew vague details- he knew he had some pretty awesome feelings towards Hera, he knew he respected the commander, he knew the Lovelace lady would kick his ass if needed, he knew the other lady made him feel like a rat in a cage, and he knew he had mixed feelings about the guy named Jacobi. If he didn’t remember the events, then he shouldn’t have a reaction to what had happened, right?Well. That would be the logical conclusion.
Kudos: 17





	Eiffel’s Identity Issues (Sad Bitch Edition)

Douglas Eiffel had been through… a lot. Or so he was told, at least. Minkowski would tell him what had happened, with the creepy AI unit, telling stories he could hardly believe. The only reason he let their words carry weight was because he was saying the same things in the past, talking about something called Star Wars and other gibberish like that.  
Eiffel shouldn’t be affected by something he couldn’t remember. He knew vague details- he knew he had some pretty awesome feelings towards Hera, he knew he respected the commander, he knew the Lovelace lady would kick his ass if needed, he knew the other lady made him feel like a rat in a cage, and he knew he had mixed feelings about the guy named Jacobi. If he didn’t remember the events, then he shouldn’t have a reaction to what had happened, right?  
Well. That would be the logical conclusion.  
Instead, every time he passed Renee, he flinched and grabbed her hand, just to know that she was still there. He had to wipe away tears every time he spoke to Hera, as if she’d get ripped out from under him at any time. He jerked away from Jacobi if he got too close. Isabel would try to talk to him, but half the time he couldn’t listen, he could only hear a foreign voice and he went into defense. Even though him and the Pryce lady were going through the same thing, he felt his hair stick up and his heart race every time he had to see her. He had no idea why he cared about any of this, but it felt like he was trapped in a labyrinth, and once he neared the end, he was brought right back to the beginning, trying to figure out a new path.  
So, here he was, hiding in the supply closet. He had asked Hera to shut off her observations for this room a while ago, and now Eiffel was just… crying.  
He put his head in his hands and cried. Why hadn’t he done more? He could have saved Hilbert, if he tried. He could have saved all of them.  
Who could he have saved? He didn’t even know who Hilbert was. He only knew the details the commander had given him, about a scientist dead-set on his own goals.  
As much as Eiffel hated to admit it, he started carrying a knife around with him. It was always the first reaction he had to anything- grab the knife, run, and hide. He knew the others on the ship were worried, but they must have chalked it up to him losing his memory.  
As he thought about it, he decided. He couldn’t trust anyone. No, of course he couldn’t. Minkowski could kill him at any time, she knew the station better than him. Lovelace was a hard no, as well. He didn’t know what it was, but every single time she was around him, he felt his blood boil and he wanted to go back to the damn star and blow it up himself. Hera couldn’t control what she was doing half the time, and he was sure if people really tried, they could turn her bad real quick. Jacobi was already iffy in his book, but in all honesty, he would trust Jacobi the most. Jacobi’s loyalties had been fucked around already. He was looking out for himself, and he could understand that.  
Eiffel kind of wished he would have died on the previous ship. It would have been so much easier, he knew, if he just walked out into space without a suit and let himself freeze, or suffocate, or both. His legs reacted to that thought, getting up and moving out to one of the windows. If he could only just…  
No. He couldn’t. He had so much to live for. He apparently had a daughter, which was exciting. And Minkowski’s husband was down there. He could get used to it, piece together his previous narrative only to take it down for something that Eiffel was, not… Doug.  
One part of his brain wouldn’t stay quiet, however. Do you have much to live for? You have a daughter that you don’t remember, that you probably won’t even recognize. You have opportunity, yes, but if the Earth is anything like space, you’re not going to get anywhere. You’ll always be lesser, Eiffel.  
His head shot up, seeing a man he couldn’t recognize. He was old, and he looked like Gandalf, just a bit, if you added a little more explosives-and-hydrochloric-acid crazy. Not that he knew who Gandalf was.  
“Eiffel.” The man had a thick Russian accent, making everything he was saying seem much more… important, in a way. “What is the point? You’ll go down there and ruin everyone’s lives again.”  
“Who are you?” Eiffel asked quietly, as if his voice would run away if he said it any louder.  
“Selburg, Hilbert, whatever name you’d like to come up with. Space isn’t painful. Death isn’t painful. I’d know- I died.”  
Eiffel took a step back, confused. “What?”  
There was a small chime, and then, a glitchy voice. “E-Eiffel? Is everything alright? What’s going o-on?”  
“Oh! Hi.. Hera. Everything’s fine! It’s alright! Just seeing a dead man, apparently!”  
Selburg/Hilbert/Gandalf rolled his eyes. “I’m not real, you idiot. My arms don’t reach that far.”  
Eiffel glared at him. “Whatever. What do you want?”  
Hera was voicing some concern, at which Eiffel tensed up and ignored her.  
“As I said. Death isn’t painful, Eiffel. It’s just… a shot of surprise before there’s… nothing.”  
Eiffel frowned. “Thanks, Dr. Doof. Very reassuring.” Who was Dr. Doof? Eiffel didn’t know.  
“My point is. If you’d like to just run off and kill yourself, do it. In your world, everyone else would be fine and you know it. The only problem is that there’s more than one person on this boat with you.”  
“It’s not like they’d actually care. I’m a brain-dead husk of their old friend.”  
“Right, right… what is the movie that Minkowski made you watch?”  
“Star Wars. She said it was one of my favorites.”  
“Did you enjoy it?”  
Eiffel frowned. “Not really.”  
“Why not?”  
“The blaster sounds were too loud. And it reminded me of…” it was on the tip of his tongue, damn it! “Something.”  
Hilbert nodded. “Right. You still remember some things.”  
Eiffel shrugged. “Not really. Just muscle memory, I guess.”  
“Still. Some is enough. You’re not a new person, no? You still have the same mannerisms, same voice, same personality. Just minus the experience.”  
“I’m not Eiffel!”  
“So then don’t be Eiffel. Be someone new, if you’d like. But you’re still you.”  
“Damn it, Hilbert, I-“  
The door opened, and Minkowski came flying in, grabbing Eiffel. The second she did, the ghost was gone. “Eiffel! What the hell? Hera and I have been trying to get you for the past 10 minutes, she said you were talking to-“  
“H-Hilbert.”  
“Hilbert! He’s dead, Eiffel, damn it! What the hell is going on?”  
Eiffel would have thought she was mad if there weren’t tears floating around her eyes. And, for once, instead of jerking away and avoiding her, he just pulled her close and buried his head in her shoulder, letting himself sob freely.  
“I’m not Eiffel. I don’t know who he is. I have no idea who I am, either, and I don’t know how to pretend that I’m still him. I’m just not. I don’t know who I am and I can’t stop feeling Eiffel’s… worries creeping up behind me. I’m scared all the time, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never done any of this before and I don’t get a blank slate, I get a slate filled with doubts and fears and none of the advice that comes with it!”  
As he let Eiffel go, as he said goodbye to who he used to be, he finally relaxed in Renee’s arms. And, for once, he felt like he was safe.


End file.
